Got a Bad one ?
E-mail me with it and I'll share.
These two beggars( Say Bill & Ted), on the street thought up a scheme to get free
meals.hey would buy a sausage (all they could afford), and go into poshestaurants, and
feast.hen, before they get the bill, Ted would whip out this sausage, and Billould suck
it, thusorrifying the patrons, and they would be tossed out without paying.hey went to
three or four restaurants and successfully did this trick. Then theollowingnsued:
Bill: "Lets change roles, since my lips are getting sore
Ted: "O.K, just a few more restaurants..."
Bill: "Well at least lets change the sausage, We've been using it for the last 4
days, and itastes a bit sour.."
Ted: "What sausage? I chucked it away after the first restaurant!"
Once upon a time on a cold winters night, a poor frozen sparrow could take no more of the
coldnd exhausted dropped out of the sky into the freezing snow.
Soon after, the sparrow at death's door, a passing cow deposited all over him.
Feelinguddenly warm again the sparrow begins to sing, chirping merrily away at hisood
fortune.he birdsong unfortunately attracted the attention of a similarly coldnd hungry
cat, whocraped all the shit off the bird and promptly eat it.
The morals of this tale are
When someone shits on you he is not necessarily your enemy.
When someone gets you out of the shit he is not necessarily your friend.
When you are in the shit, keep your mouth shut.
"So, when you kiss her, do you taste me?" This one was uttered by a comic who as
beingeckled by an obnoxious female in the crowd of a comedy club:
"Look lady, do I run around knocking dicks out of your mouth when you're trying to
work?"
The old biker had taken to being courteous in his later years, especially to women. One
dayhen airing his views, he remarked that he'd never seen an ugly female.
A woman standing near him with a very flat nose, waffled cheeks and no lipsverheard thisnd
said, "I beg your pardon, sir, but can you look at me andonestly say that I'm not
ugly?"
The noble tramp gazed at her and replied, "My dear lady, like the rest of your sex,
you are anngel fallen from the skies. It's not your fault that you happened to fall onour
fuckin' face."
What three words will you hear on the golf course that you'll never hear in
ahorehouse?Bite, you cocksucker!"
Notice at an army camp:
Troops are warned not to drink any water which has not been passed by the Medical Officer.
A salesman who was accustomed to the better things in life because of an elaborate expense
account once found himself in the backwoods south. He was hot, dusty,and thirsty and
needed
a place to stay. Soon he came to a motel on the side of the road. He walked into the
office and was met by the two backwoods country boys who ran the place.
"Gentlemen", he began, "I need a clean room, a hot bath, a bottle of your
best whiskey and a woman." They two boys looked at each other, then turned to the
man, "Yes suh!!" They gave him a room which was cozy and clean. He was pleased,
and he decided to take his hot bath. He called to the office and told the boys he was
ready for his liquor and a woman. They agreed to send up the liquor right away and the
woman would come (no pun intended) in just a few minutes. They brought their bottle of
Southern Comfort to the man who was relaxing in a steaming bath. When they left they
panicked. "Where in the hell we gonna get a woman now??" They then remembered
the inflatable woman that the last salesman had left. When they figured the man was good
and "relaxed" they sent in the life-size inflatable doll. The next morning as
the salesman came to check out, the boys asked him how he had enjoyed his stay. "Well
boys, I gotta tell ya. The room was great--the bath was hot--and the liquor did the trick.
But that woman was something else. I bit her in the titty, she farted and flew out the
windows backwards. Never did see her again. So this mouse is walking around in the middle
of nowhere when he hears a faint cry: "help me, help me." He looks around and
finally he locates the source of the noise. There's an elephant down at the bottom of very
deep hole, and the elephant can't get out. "Won't you please help me," pleads
the elephant. "No problem," replies the mouse, "I'll be right back." A
few minutes later, he shows up with a Corvette, attaches a rope to it, lowers the other
end of the rope down to the elephant, and tows the elephant out of the hole.
"Thanks," says the elephant, "I owe you one." Several weeks later, the
elephant is walking around when he hears a cry for help. This time it is the mouse who has
fallen into a hole and can't get out. Since the mouse had saved him, the elephant decides
to save the mouse. So the elephant straddles the hole, drops his dick down to the bottom,
and lets the mouse climb up his dick and safely out of the hole. Which just goes to show
what we all knew already: If you've got a big enough dick, you don't need a Corvette.
This little boy walked in on his mother taking a bath. "Mommy, what's that? (Pointing
to her crotch) "Oh, son, that's my sponge." The little boy seemed satisfied with
this. Some time later, the mother had to go into the hospital for an operation (presumably
a hysterectomy or something like that. Anyway, they shaved her pubic area). The little boy
notices that the sponge is gone and asks what happened to it. The mother says, "Well,
it's gone for now but it will come back." A few days later, the mother is home
recuperating, and the little boy rushes in to her and says, "Mommy, Mommy, I found
your sponge! The next door neighbor has it and she washing Daddy's face with it!
Lecturer: "Today we are discussing sexual intercourse. There are sixty different ways
of achieving sexual intercourse". Voice from the back: "Sixty five!"
Lecturer: "There are sixty known different ways ..." Same voice again:
"Sixty five!" Lecturer: "Despite the gentleman at the back, there are sixty
different ways known to the medical profession, the first of which being man on top of
woman". Voice from the back: "Sixty six!"
Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt great (yes, just like
Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT). Anyway, he just felt so good, he went out and cornered a
small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE
ANIMALS?" And this poor quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no
one is mightier than you." A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just
bellows out: "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" The
deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to stammer: "Oh great tiger,
you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle." The tiger, being on a roll,
swaggered, up to an elephant that was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the
top of his voice: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?" Well,
this elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams him down; picks him up
again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of orange and black; and finally
throws him violently into a nearby tree. The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the
elephant and says: "Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to
get so pissed."